Sunday, March 19, 2006

Emotions on a rollercoaster

to tell all or only tell half? that just crossed my mind. i keep all these emotions bottled up because i don't have a real friend i can talk to about it. this brings back the memory of the only best friend i ever had... if you let me i want to take a memory trip 7years back...

i was 13, young but not nieve. that year my perants got devorced, and i gave something very important(i realise now) away, and thats the year when my only best friend killed herself.
we were only friends for a year, but it felt like a life time. i'll call her Pokkel, that was the
pet-name(if i can call it that) i gave her when we were friends.
i basically went thru primary school without friends, -if you know me, you'll know thats not a strange thing, i've never been good with talking in a crowd. and always doubted myself.-
yeah, i had friends. they all had my back if i needed it, and i had their backs all the time. i met Pokkel at the begining of st.5. Linkie(the viceprinciples daughter) was pushing for a fight with me again, i was like always not interested. i turned my back and walked away and she shoved me, i almost fell on my face. Pokkel was standing nearby and she stormed Linkie and gave her a very nice shiner-that lasted for a week-
from then no one could seperate Pokkel and i. no no no, we weren't lesbians, we just had the rare thing called real-true-best-friendship. we used to do the craziest things together, slipping school, walking to the mall in the dead of nite, hitch-hiking, beating Linkie and her gang up, and most of all we stood with each other thru everything. my perants told us they're getting devorced a month before my 13th birthday, my grand-mother died a week before that same birthday.
i dont know if you understand yet how important Pokkel was to me. she also had her trouble with her family, which i wont say, i'll keep those horrid things for myself.
we had the best times together, we didn't care about anything, we blacked out the world when we were together. we went to the same high school, we bullied the matrics with our initiation, insted of them bulling us. she did the nasty with the headboy and caused him to give being a headboy up. we had fun great times.
well, at the end of the first quarter of std.6 my mom told me we are moving to another town, things were very difficult at Pokkel's home at that time. i told her im moving, she didnt take it well at all.
the day before we moved i promised her i'll go to her house for a final goodbye before i left. Pokkel lived with her father and brother, they both knew me very well. i walked the two blocks from our house to Pokkel's flat. i should've walked faster, left earlier, phoned or done something, before i started walking over there i knew something was very wrong. i could feel it over my whole body. when i got to their flat, her father opened the door and said Pokkel's upstairs in her room. i walked up the stairs slowly. i didnt want to go into her room, i was afraid of the feeling inside me. when i opened the door i saw her lying on her bed, her duvet was full of blood. she had slit her wrists, more than deep enough. she did it for real, she didnt want to go on. i didnt cry, i just died inside. i found a letter adressed to me next to her bed. i wont say what she said in the letter.
i never attended her funeral, nor do i know where she's buried. all i have from her is a photo what we took at the mall one night, and the letter. and most of all our memories.
i think about her everyday, i miss her. i promised i wont cry over her, and it takes all i have not to. i loved her like more than a sister. i've never had a friend that even comes close to her.

This songs for you Pokkel!! *crazy in the night - Kim Carnes*


Anonymous said...

i had a m8 that killed her self in std6 also in a simmalar way went out with her 1 weekend and told her i was leaving the school next weekend she was dead

maruh said...

That must have been terrible! And since then you went through life with all this sorrow locked-up inside. Why do people think they do the world a favour to kill themselves? Couldn't she think about you and her family's feelings?

GDI Lord said...

This post is escaping the Great Purge out of respect for USSRGG and for Pokkel.

I sometimes wish things could have turn out differently for us USSRGG. I hope you're doing much better now.